NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knitters Review is down!!

http://knittersreview.com/forum/down.asp

Now what am I supposed to do?

Ok, I could scrub my bathtub, do more laundry, clean out my fridge and cabinets, etc. But it is 10 pm and I don't wanna. I guess it does give me more knitting time. But really!! I want my KR!!!

 

Oh well, back to knitting :) 

Depression, WTF?!?!?!
Mood:  not sure

Things are going well here. David and I are wonderful. He has been so loving and pleasant. My home is decently clean, though I have slacked off a bit lately. Adam started 1st grade today. All is well.

So, why do I feel crappy? I mean, generally I am pretty happy with things right now. But down inside I feel like I am about to start crying. That is the way of depression. Even when things are at their best, I can't be really happy. I am afraid this will be with me for the rest of my life, and that worries me. Depression was one of the core issues that caused our marriage problems. Over time, it will wear us down again. I don't know how to keep that from happening.

What I want to know, and really need to ask a doctor, is the following:

Is there anything more I can do to stop this depression? More meds? Different meds? Personal therapy?

Am I going to have this illness hanging over me for the rest of my life? Or will I be able to get past it?

If it will be with me for my lifetime, what can I do to make it more liveable? I don't want to feel so awful, and I don't want to hurt my family any more. What can we do to make it easier for the whole family, and others around me?

That is about it I guess. Perhaps I should ask our therapist these things at our next appointment. I need to do something about this lingering sadness so I can enjoy all the good things going on around me.

Inadequate? Insecure? Insensitive?
Mood:  incredulous

I don't know when I last posted. I know it has been a while. Things are wierd here right now. Mostly good, but some not, and that makes it a bit wierd.

Ok, here is how things are:

I have been feeling great with David. I was even starting to get past the feeling inadequate stuff. I was starting to deal with my jealousy of Jeanine very well. We were even talking about our next appt. with the therapist being our last, though I would proceed to therapy of my own because it should help with depression and such.

On Monday night (well, early tuesday morning I guess), David was not sleeping well. He went to the couch to see if that would help. I had trouble sleeping after that because I was concerned. Tuesday I did a lot of cleaning up and such, then got on my computer to just waste time. Well, my computer had gotten a virus and would not work. So, I got onto his. There, every time I started to type a web address, his history would come up with things starting with the letter I just put in. Boy was there a lot of porn. I spent the night worrying about him in our bedroom while he was on the couch looking at porn. I was not happy. I sent an email about the broken computer, and mentioned that something was bothering me. He called and I let him know what it was. He felt bad, and apologized. He even gave me a nice massage when he got home. But I had had a setback. I suddenly felt inadequate again. I got insecure again. I had made so much progress, and it all flew out the window. Then on Friday he had to work with Jeanine on the internet project thing. He was there for a few hours. I was upset the whole time. I knew her bf would likely be there, but still, jealousy reared its ugly head again. Now, I am not sure if it will ever go away. Every time I start to get over this, I find something new he has hidden from me (including a car title loan from months ago that I found out about only a week or so ago). So, now I wonder if he will ever stop hiding things from me. I wonder what else he could be hiding, and how serious it could be. Because of all the little things, I have lost trust in him. To me, that is a big problem. We talked when he got home from her place. He has been making an effort to spend more time with me and less with her, which is great and had been helping a lot. He understands why I am feeling the way I am and that he has most certainly been at the root of it. I guess that helps too. But it doesn't stop that I don't think I can trust him to be honest with me. It doesn't stop that there is always another woman, whether a friend or an actress (or three or more) on the computer, coming (no pun intended) between us. Even if I wasn't aware of them (say he clears his history each time on the computer), I would still wonder if they were there. That is putting a lot of tension between us again. I just don't know how to make it go away. I think our appt. tomorrow may not be our last.

Come What May
Now Playing: Come What May - Moulin Rouge

Oooohhh . . . New tools for my entries! They must have updated Tripod in the time I have been away.

Ok, now that that distraction is over I can get to my entry.

There isn't much to say. I have been writing in my paper journal occassionally, but still not as much as I think I should. But really, not much has been happening. Things are getting better here every day. I am glad for that. We have our next appointment with the therapist in the morning. I guess that is part of why I feel compelled to write something now.

Anyway, I was listening to my LaunchCast (from Yahoo messenger, not an ad really, just information) and Come What May started playing. I think it is a good description of what I am feeling now. I am sure we can get through whatever may happen. But I still always feel nervous about our therapy. I guess I am just afraid maybe there is something deeper that will come out of one or both of us that could be very hurtful. But I guess if it is there, it is best if it gets out, even if the results are bad. After all, if there is something there, it will just grow and get worse if kept in. I don't think there is much more I have to let out. Sure, there are some things, but not much. I don't think any is really hurtful, mostly petty. But what if there is something I am repressing and keeping even from myself? I guess that scares me most. I don't know what will even come out of my own mind.

Well, I will write more tomorrow . . . I think. Right now I am going to go take a nice hot bath.

Must be getting better
Mood:  crushed out
Well, it seems I write less when things are going well than when I feel like crap. So, I guess it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that things are pretty good around here.
Yesterday was Independance Day. David and Adam both had the day off. I have a nasty blister on my foot and wasn't sure I could do a whole lot, but it has also caused me to be stir crazy and desperate to get out. So, David says "I'll be back in a half an hour. Make sure you and Adam are ready to go."
"Go where?"
"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise." Then he left.
When he came back, we went to see Superman Returns. It was quite good, and a great little surprise. I got out of the house without aggravating this stupid blister. It was so cool that he was spontaneous and even playful. Why was he gone a half an hour first? Well, he went to get candy at the grocery store, which was insanely busy. And it would make us spend a half an hour wondering what he was up to.
Today we went to breakfast and played on the video poker a bit. He sat nice and close to me and was snuggly and warm and flirty. I loved it.
Also, lately I have sat next to him knitting while he plays his video game. That alone is nice, since we usually sit apart. But the really nice thing is that every now and then I would glance up and catch him looking at me lovingly. It was like when we were teens. It is so sweet.
There is still a lot of tension and anxiety, and I have a feeling that he is tense and anxious for the same reason I am. I think it is that we are both afraid it will all come crashing down. That makes me very nervous. We have both worked hard the last few weeks and accomplished more than a lot of people do over months of trying to make their lives better. I don't want to see all of our hard work fall apart. I am really enjoying time with David and I don't want to lose that. I guess being anxious about it is more likely to hurt than help, but this is still early in our efforts so I think it is probably normal.

Why am I down?
Mood:  down
Yesterday was wonderful. We went bowling in the morning while Adam was at school. Then we came home and spent some time together. Then we got the kids. Jade went home earlier than usual. I had asked her family for that so we could go out. Katie watched Adam while David and I went to Black Angus. Then we rented Fun With Dick and Jane. It was a very nice night. I felt great. I slept great. It was a very happy birthday.
Oh, something cute: When we picked up Adam, his classmates started saying "Happy birthday Adam's mom!" He told everyone, and it was so sweet. I felt so special.
All that said, why I am in a slump today? I feel down and very tired. There is absolutely no good reason for it.
I guess there are a couple little reasons. Last night, I had to give David the $40 I had from babysitting so we could get dinner and such. Last week, I had to spend my last $20 from babysitting so we could get water. I would just like to keep some of my own money. Ok, I think David did give me $20 on Saturday last week to pay me back for getting the water and I used it for craft stuff, so that really isn't valid. I feel better remembering that. I could just delete that part, but it is in my train of thought so I will keep it here. But I still had to get my b-day dinner. Oh well, it was still lovely.
I woke up with a tender lump in my neck, just behind my jaw and under my ear. I don't know why. I do know that that is where a lymph node is. I did a search on webmd.com and found that I don't need to worry unless it is there for a few weeks. But it still doesn't feel good, and it doesn't make sense. I don't like not knowing what I can do to feel better. Also, David had a lower back, most likely kidney, pain when he got up. As a result, he wasn't feeling too great. I guess both of us waking so badly after such a nice day is a good way to feel a bit down. I hope David feels better when he gets home. I don't know what I can do for him and it worries me. I know he will be fine, but he has been happy and I want things to stay that way.
Well, I am going to try to take it easy. The kids are watching a movie, and Jade should be going home soon, so that is good.
I plan to finish organizing the kitchen cabinets tonight. I also need to vacuum and swiffer the floors. That really isn't much. Perhaps getting it done will perk me up a bit.
Oh yeah, a good thing: My oven got fixed today. It actually gets hot enough to use! I am happy about that. It is about time it got done. Now I can make bread and stuff without it taking forever.
I guess that is it for now.

More improvement
Mood:  bright
We had our 3rd appointment yesterday. Again I was complimented on my listening skills. Even applauded!
David expressed concern over my lack of social life and blamed it on my physical complaints. That made me angry because I had been making an effort to have a social life, but his poker game was more important. I got angrier and more flustered throughout the day. I cleaned up my closet a bit, going through all my clothing and donating probably 1/3 of it. I figured that would help my mood. It did a little. But I was still visibly not doing so well when David came home. He noticed and expressed concern. Isn't that great? He actually noticed that something was wrong and wanted to know about it. So, I said it was a long day. Then I showed him my accomplishments. Then we sat down and I asked him to just listen while I got out what I needed to without a rebuttle. I said what I had been dealing with since the appointment. He listened well and had me come sit by him. He was snuggly and comforting and understanding. I felt much better. He seemed a bit tense after, but that seemed to work out as the night went on. I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated that he noticed and listened. He also got no text messages from Jeanine. That was something I brought up at the therapist's office. It was a tough thing for David. Jeanine is a good friend and work is very stressful right now for her. She needs a friend. He wants to be there for her. I can understand that. But he does need to make time just for us, and he has agreed to that. So, we are communicating a lot better and feeling a lot better. It is very good.
Today was good. I got some stuff to make flower fairies. It was mailed to me from the Isle of Man (around Ireland). Pretty cool. Fairies in the mail are a good way to make me feel good. Now I need to make a bunch and send them to people.
Not much else of interest. It has been a good day, which is a relief. Yesterday was long and frustrating. Tomorrow should be good. David has taken the day off to spend with me. It will be my birthday. I will be 28. So, supposedly, that makes it my magic birthday since I will be as many years as the day of my b-day (28 on the 28th). I guess there is something to it. After all, our marriage is already at the best point it has been in a long time and only going to get better. My home is clean. I am doing very well. This is good.

color quiz
Mood:  surprised
I took a color quiz thing. Actually, took it twice. My computer fizzled and I didn't get the code in here, so I tried again and got different but still accurate results. Luckily, I had copied and pasted the results to my niece in messenger and am still able to put them here:
Brandy's Existing Situation
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition

Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which she imposes of herself or by her own choice and decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

Egocentric and therefore
quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging

Your Actual Problem
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

Take two here:

Brandy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Feels exhausted by conflict and quarreling and des..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Sexy Underthings
Mood:  flirty
On Friday, while running errands, I went looking for a light shrug to wear with my strappy tops and dresses. It is far to hot and sunny to not have my shoulders covered. I found a cute top and shrug set that is very versatile, as well as frilly and feminine.
Yesterday, I went on a mission to find some good bras. I went to J.C. Penny's and asked to be fitted. I was wearing a cup size too small. I went to find a bra in the correct size and found that I got there just in time. They were having a door buster sale and most of the bras were 50% off, but only for the next half hour. I found a couple bras that were very prudish and awful. They got put back right away. But I also found a couple of very nice ones. One is white and lacy and the most comfortable bra I have ever worn. The other is not quite as comfortable, but it is still more comfortable than most bras I've had. It is pink with flowers and lace. So girly. I got matching panties for that one but couldn't find any there to match the white one. I found some at Target today though. Now I have two nice matched sets.
Why I am sharing this? Well, it is simple. A comfortable, well-fit bra can make a huge difference in how you feel. I feel sexy and comfortable. My posture is better because I don't have to try to keep the underwire from stabbing me. I feel flirtier. Also, having sexy matched sets is a nice little treat. Even if I am just picking Adam up at school and no one is seeing my underwear, I can feel pretty and feminine. It is my treat to myself. And then David gets to enjoy it. It is very good. Anyway, if you haven't already, go to a department store or a lingerie store and have someone measure you. Try on a bunch of bras in the size they say is right for you and buy the ones that are most comfortable and attractive. Buy matching panties. Make sure they are also the right size. They should not leave marks on your waist from being too tight. I had to buy large when I had always figured I was medium. I am much more comfortable. You will spend more than if you just got them at Wal-Mart, but it is worth it. Once you have a couple matched sets, take care of them. Wash them properly either by hand or on delicate cycle with like colors. They will last longer that way, and continue to be comfortable. Wear your matched sets often. Don't just save them for special occassions. Wear them to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. If you can't make yourself feel special, why should someone else?

That said, I have been feeling special lately. I have been taking care of myself and my home, and David has too. It is very good.
We have another appointment with the therapist tomorrow. Of course I am nervous, but that is ok.

Importance
Mood:  special
Last night when David came home, he gave me a kiss and noticed what I had done around the house. Then he said "There is something about this job [he is applying for a new position] that I want your opinion on."
Turns out there may be some travel involved with the new position. Not just a little trip to a neighboring state or anything. More like Manila. He wanted to know how I felt about that. There would be a raise involved. He was wondering what I thought would be necessary to even consider it. He doesn't know how much travel will be involved or how much of a raise there will be. He brought it up because, as he put it, "after our conversation, I wanted to talk to you about it now so it wasn't just dropped on you." He accepted that even though I likely would not be happy with the idea of him leaving the country every now and then, it was more important to talk to me about it right away than to wait until he gets offered the job and then dropping it on me. He wanted my opinion, and really cared how I felt about it. I felt so important, so cared for. It has been a very long time since I have felt like that. Naturally, I was more willing to give after that. I didn't freak about it. I didn't say "no. There is no way you can take this job." I did express my concerns. Mainly, it is hard for me to not have him home, especially right now when we have so much to work through together. But it will mean a better financial situation and a job that really suits him very well. I was rational, so was he. We discussed it like adults should discuss things (not that most adults actually do). We decided that he should go ahead with the application for the position. He likely won't know what the job will require until the interview. Once he knows, we will talk about it again and decide if it is worth it. If I continue to feel this good, I won't mind him being gone once in a while. I will know that when he returns, things will be just as good. But it has to actually be enough of a raise to warrant whatever amount of travel is needed. Otherwise, it isn't worth it to him. Since he is so willing to be open and talk about it with me, I am more willing to accept what he thinks about it. Especially since he values my opinion and will consider it with whatever he feels is best. This is a great feeling. And this has only been a week since we had our first appt with the therapist and our fight after. We are headed in the right direction and I like what is happening. In fact, what was feeling awkward all week is starting to feel so much more right. We are starting to want to act like this for each other, and for ourselves. I have been smiling all day, except when Adam had a tantrum. But that has to do with his home being invaded by another kid after school. Even though they are friends, it is hard for him. It is a big change. It is hard for her too, since she is used to being with family after school. But mostly, they do alright. And because I have been feeling so wonderful, his tantrum didn't ruin the rest of the day. I am hoping this keeps up. I am pretty sure it will, but it will continue to take work.