Topic: Livid
Adam is ok with going to Colorado.
I don’t mind being in Colorado, but the situation upsets me.
I don’t want my family pulled apart. This feels like exactly that.
David and I obviously have a lot of work to do on us, and being apart will not help that at all.
I have not felt respect from him since I was pregnant.
Now rambling and bringing up the past:
I felt it less and less after Adam was born. When he was only a few months old, we were at David’s sister’s place. We went to show the baby to his friend across the street. I might as well not have been there. I wasn’t even acknowledged. Only a few months after that, David decided to move to Vegas. I didn’t want to. But I didn’t get a choice. We stayed with his parents. I was promised only a couple weeks there. Turns out he had hoped it would be longer the whole time. I wasn’t told that until much later. When I was in pain and severely depressed, he took off. Turns out the pain had a reason, though he thought I was making it up. I’ve had a couple surgeries since. I was not making it up. A couple years ago, he took out payday loans. I still don’t know how much he took out. I only found out about the loans about a year or so after he got them. No, I was told he had ONE loan. It was several months before I found out I had been lied to about that. And I was not told how much it was costing each month until a month ago. I thought it couldn’t be more than $100 or $200. It is, as far as I’ve been recently told, more like $500. How could he have done that without talking to me? When things got bad between us a year and a half ago, he made arrangements to live with Jeanine without talking to me first. Now, he brings this trip up at the last damn moment and tries to tell me he is keeping me involved. Sure, he talked to Adam and his mom a week ago. But telling me two days ago was apparently as soon as he knew what was going on. These are the big things that have stuck with me all this time. And, all this time, he has always stuck up for his family, even when they were treating me like I was doing everything wrong. Eventually that changed, but it took a lot. There are little things too. When we started therapy, he promised to do a few specific small things around the house. I have to repeatedly ask him to do them before they get done. When I was sick, he just left. He kept his plans with his mother and with Jeanine, despite how sick I was or how much I was hurting (one was just last Wednesday when I had the IUD and was hurting so much. Same day he brought all this up). He says all I have to do is ask and he will stay home. Sometimes, I shouldn’t have to ask. Besides, when I was sick and he went to his mom’s, I didn’t feel I could ask him to stay. Earlier that day, I was throwing up a lot and needed him, but he was so into the football game that he didn’t hear me calling to him for a while. How could I feel he’d be there for me, even if he had stayed home? If he had stayed without me having to ask, I might have felt more respected. When I was in tears on Wednesday from pain, and we needed to talk to Adam about the Colorado thing, he still went to Jeanine’s, getting home too late to really have Adam’s attention. When he was not well, when he had an abscess on his arm, I did his jobs around the house for him without him asking. While I was sick, the dishes and laundry piled up. How can I feel respected? How can I feel like I matter? Sure, I know he loves me, but how can I feel like he respects me? And if I go away, how can we work on it? If I am gone for several months, I know I will have time to find the self I lost. I won’t have him making all the decisions. I will probably thrive. And I will not want to lose that. I can’t leave until I know he will respect me and what I have to say because if I do, I don’t think I will be able to come back. If I can’t be sure I will have his respect when I return, I don’t think I can do it. I also need to be able to trust him. He needs to be open and honest with me. He isn’t. I can’t come back to that. I don’t know how he can assure me that it will be better. I can’t take his word for it. So, I don’t feel right about leaving. I don’t think it will work out for the best if things don’t change before we go. I don’t think things can change that quickly. Perhaps if we saw the therapist again, we could get it worked out. But I don’t know.
