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Babbling Incoherently
Friday, February 8, 2008
Topic: Livid

Adam is ok with going to Colorado.

I don’t mind being in Colorado, but the situation upsets me.

I don’t want my family pulled apart. This feels like exactly that.

David and I obviously have a lot of work to do on us, and being apart will not help that at all.

I have not felt respect from him since I was pregnant.

Now rambling and bringing up the past: 

I felt it less and less after Adam was born. When he was only a few months old, we were at David’s sister’s place. We went to show the baby to his friend across the street. I might as well not have been there. I wasn’t even acknowledged. Only a few months after that, David decided to move to Vegas. I didn’t want to. But I didn’t get a choice. We stayed with his parents. I was promised only a couple weeks there. Turns out he had hoped it would be longer the whole time. I wasn’t told that until much later. When I was in pain and severely depressed, he took off. Turns out the pain had a reason, though he thought I was making it up. I’ve had a couple surgeries since. I was not making it up. A couple years ago, he took out payday loans. I still don’t know how much he took out. I only found out about the loans about a year or so after he got them. No, I was told he had ONE loan. It was several months before I found out I had been lied to about that. And I was not told how much it was costing each month until a month ago. I thought it couldn’t be more than $100 or $200. It is, as far as I’ve been recently told, more like $500. How could he have done that without talking to me? When things got bad between us a year and a half ago, he made arrangements to live with Jeanine without talking to me first. Now, he brings this trip up at the last damn moment and tries to tell me he is keeping me involved. Sure, he talked to Adam and his mom a week ago. But telling me two days ago was apparently as soon as he knew what was going on. These are the big things that have stuck with me all this time. And, all this time, he has always stuck up for his family, even when they were treating me like I was doing everything wrong. Eventually that changed, but it took a lot. There are little things too. When we started therapy, he promised to do a few specific small things around the house. I have to repeatedly ask him to do them before they get done. When I was sick, he just left. He kept his plans with his mother and with Jeanine, despite how sick I was or how much I was hurting (one was just last Wednesday when I had the IUD and was hurting so much. Same day he brought all this up). He says all I have to do is ask and he will stay home. Sometimes, I shouldn’t have to ask. Besides, when I was sick and he went to his mom’s, I didn’t feel I could ask him to stay. Earlier that day, I was throwing up a lot and needed him, but he was so into the football game that he didn’t hear me calling to him for a while. How could I feel he’d be there for me, even if he had stayed home? If he had stayed without me having to ask, I might have felt more respected. When I was in tears on Wednesday from pain, and we needed to talk to Adam about the Colorado thing, he still went to Jeanine’s, getting home too late to really have Adam’s attention. When he was not well, when he had an abscess on his arm, I did his jobs around the house for him without him asking. While I was sick, the dishes and laundry piled up. How can I feel respected? How can I feel like I matter? Sure, I know he loves me, but how can I feel like he respects me? And if I go away, how can we work on it? If I am gone for several months, I know I will have time to find the self I lost. I won’t have him making all the decisions. I will probably thrive. And I will not want to lose that. I can’t leave until I know he will respect me and what I have to say because if I do, I don’t think I will be able to come back. If I can’t be sure I will have his respect when I return, I don’t think I can do it. I also need to be able to trust him. He needs to be open and honest with me. He isn’t. I can’t come back to that. I don’t know how he can assure me that it will be better. I can’t take his word for it. So, I don’t feel right about leaving. I don’t think it will work out for the best if things don’t change before we go. I don’t think things can change that quickly. Perhaps if we saw the therapist again, we could get it worked out. But I don’t know.

Posted by Brandy at 4:31 PM PST
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Sunday, February 4, 2007
What is wrong with me?
Mood:  down

I started an entry on Tuesday, but David got home and I opted to spend time with him. For some reason, I didn't have a "save as draft" button available. Odd. But the way I was feeling hasn't changed, at least not for the better, so I am putting it all in now.

A week ago, I was going on about how wonderful things had been. I enjoy my job, David got a promotion, we had a couple of really good events happen. Well, somehow I am not happy about it anymore. Turns out that there are a lot of problems with the changes. Not to mention the diet I started on Monday.  Sure, it has only been a week, but it has really worn me down. Here is what is getting to me:

Most days, I need to walk to my job and walk home. And I am working out at work, and on my feet the rest of the time. It is very tiring and hard on my body. I also need to get to Adam's school in time to pick him up. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, that won't happen 'cause I am not out of work until 10 minutes after he is out of school. So, on Tuesdays I have a neighbor get him and Thursdays are covered by Katie. On Fridays, David has had the day off, so I don't have to walk home or get Adam, which has been nice. That will change next week when he starts his new position. I am glad he will be working during the day because it will be nice to have him home for dinner and to spend time with Adam. However, I will have to walk Adam to school in the morning, walk home from that, walk to work, walk to the school after work to get Adam, and then walk home. I am exhausted enough as it is! Then there is spring break. Adam will be out for 3 weeks. David and I will both be working during the day. So, we have to put him in RecTrek, which will cost about as much as I make during that time. Kinda seems pointless to work, but I have to so I can keep my job. I discovered one of my coworkers has a nasty evil streak. I mean truly evil. Luckily, I only have to deal with her for a few minutes on Thursdays, but that is enough to make things very stressful.  So, this job thing is not making me very happy lately.

Then there is my home. It is in a state I haven't seen it in since June. I just don't have the energy or patience to take care of it right now, and I am not getting much help. Yes, David and Adam are helping a bit more, but not enough. I just can't keep up with it and it is really making me depressed. I can't stand the mess, and I can't get it all cleaned up. That makes me upset, which makes it harder to do anything, and it just keeps getting worse. Then I hide in bed in tears.

And I started a diet on Monday, the Curves 6-week solution. Phase one is a week long. I'm about done with that. Just the rest of today. Breakfast and lunch are too much, snacks are reasonable, and dinner is far too small. It leaves me hungry and cranky by the end of the night. I also have to eat what the book says, which isn't always what I want. And I have recipes that only I will eat, and I only get one serving. The recipes often make 4-6 servings. So, we are ending up wasting food. And the food costs more than what we usually spend on groceries. Each week (we have shopped for two of the weeks so far, since I am starting week 2 tomorrow) costs as much as I make in a week. This is ridiculous. We can't afford it. Of course, I have lost 6 pounds since Monday. The next several weeks, I am supposed to expect to lose a couple pounds each week. I have about 30-40 to lose. It will take a while. I don't like being told what and how much I can eat and when. I don't like that it is mostly stuff my family doesn't like. It makes it very hard for me. That just adds to all the other stress and frustration. Also, my only time to get things done around the house is in the evening, and at that time I am hungry and cranky, so things just won't get done. Of course, next week I am eating a lot more. It seems like it will be just a bit too much. In the morning tomorrow, I get 3/4 cup of cheerios, 1/2 cup skim milk, and 1 cup egg substitute. I've been having 3/4 cup egg substitute lately, and it has been a lot. I won't be as hungry, but I still won't have any choices. It frustrates me. 

This past week, Adam was sick, which meant figuring out how he could stay home when David and I had to be at work. That was difficult. Then I started my period. This is not right. I am taking bcps so that I only get my period, and the massive cramps and migraines, once every three months. It has been a month and a half. This happened with my last cycle too. I am only managing 6 weeks, instead of 12. And each period is worse. The pain is getting unbearable and the migraines are debilitating. The migraine hasn't hit, but that is normal. It is usually the last day of my period or the day after. So, it will hit in a couple days, which is when I am working. If it hits at work, I won't be able to handle it. I need a cool, dark, quiet place. Curves is certainly not that. I don't know what to do.

David keeps telling me I will get used to it and be able to keep up eventually. He doesn't realize how bad my headaches and pelvic pain have gotten. He doesn't realize how this is affecting my moods. He sees me in tears and tells me it won't last, that this is normal. It sure doesn't feel normal. I will give it until the end of this month. If I don't adjust by then, I am pretty sure I won't. And I won't make myself put up with it. It isn't good for me or anyone around me.  

Posted by Brandy at 5:47 PM PST
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Sunday, January 28, 2007
Off to a good start

OK, I posted this to KR, but it should go here too, so I just copied and pasted it here. Yep, run on sentence. I'm good at that. Anyway, here it is:


As you all know, last year was very rough for me and my family. It included things like having my wisdom teeth out, facing a failing marriage, barely being able to pay rent and bills, amongst other stresses. Somehow, we got through it. You all were a huge help for me, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
The year ended well with a visit to my family in Florida and and surprisingly uneventful, very pleasant Christmas with David's family (there is usually something stupid happening to cause tension). It was a relief.
Now, it is approaching the end of the first month of the new year. I am sincerely hoping that this past month is indicative of the year to come. It started out with me starting a new job at Curves. I was a bit nervous, as I haven't worked in a while, but I really enjoy it. Not to mention my boss loves me. She has discovered that I can do pretty nearly anything. If I don't know how, I am a very fast and willing learner. I have saved her a great deal of work and had a good time at it. Because my job is in a fitness field, I am now on the Curves 6-week solution weight management plan along with my workout. I already feel healthier, and I'm not suffering to do it. Oh, I have a cold right now, and I feel healthier than I have in a long time. This has had a huge impact on my home life. I don't know if my sudden burst of motivation helped, but David got himself in gear and started hunting for a better job (meaning one he would enjoy more, though higher pay would be nice too). All of a sudden, he started getting offers from just about everyone he had applied with in the past couple years. He took one he really wanted with the same company he's been with for a while and has a significant raise. So, he is much happier with his job.
Then, there was today. Today was the climatic finish to the month. An old friend was in town and he called this morning to let us know he was on the way to take us sledding in the mountains. Adam has never been in snow. It was soooo much fun. But we couldn't stay long, as we had plans for the evening. A couple nights ago, when talking about how we have more money now, we said we needed to save money to take our son to see Phantom - The Las Vegas Spectacular. The next day, a friend we hardly ever hear from, called him to give him 2 tickets to the show. It is unfortunate that we couldn't all 3 go. He insisted I take Adam. We didn't tell Adam. He didn't figure it out until we were about to go into the theater. It was an amazing show. I have my little critiques of it, as a die-hard "Phan," but that would just make this post even longer. Anyway, it was wonderful and Adam was just beside himself. But I think the thing that made it best was that on the way home, David said to me "I'm glad you guys could do that. You both really deserved it." He has been very supportive and appreciative of what I am doing now, and we have been closer than we had in a long time. If the rest of the year keeps up like this, I will likely be the happiest woman ever.

Anyway, I just thought you all would like to hear about some good in my life.

Oh yeah, a while back I mentioned that we had won a 2 night stay at the Paris hotel with a dinner at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant. We are using that next month. They have our room reserved, as well as a window table at the restaurant (where we can see the whole strip from up high) and they are going to comp $150 for our meal. We also have tickets to a Flogging Molly concert at the House of Blues for our second night of our stay. So, next month is looking pretty great too.

Posted by Brandy at 12:01 AM PST
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Sunday, January 21, 2007
well . . .
Mood:  not sure

I finished the hedgehogs and the birdhouse by Christmas. They were very well loved. The kids barely put their hedgehogs down, which amazed the heck out of me. Robb even asked me to teach him to knit. Now I need to send him some supplies. I was supposed to a while back, but life got crazy.

So, I am now working at Curves. It isn't much. I only get $6.25/hr + commission, and I only work 3 days a week and 4 hours a day (though I may be working 4 days a week pretty soon here). So, not much pay. But the job is good. I get to hang out with the members, work out when I have time, not be stuck in a cubicle. It is nice. But it is still stressful to start a new job after so long of not working outside the home. And my home is showing it. I just can't keep up. My job may not be much, but it is very draining. Not to mention I have to walk home, and often detouring to Adam's school to pick him up first. I am walking 2-3 miles most days, I think. That is quite a bit. And it will be turning into more. Right now, David is able to drive me to work before he has to go to work. In a couple weeks, he will be changing jobs. He will be working during the day. I will have to walk to and from work, and walk to the school, as well as exercising and generally being very active at work. Then I come home, help Adam with his homework (ok, he doesn't really need much help, but I do need to be there), do laundry, make dinner, get Adam in the bath, get Adam to bed, do dishes, clean up the rest of the house (how does it get so messy when no one is home???), and hopefully have a little time for myself. Is it any wonder why I am just plain exhausted? Well, with David's new schedule, he will be around to help out in the evenings, though he won't be home until about 6. And he will be tired. He will likely play video games while I continue my housework. Does that really seem fair? Sure, his job has longer hours, but I am not only working when I am at my job. I am always working here. So, I could really use his help. But unless I nag, I'm not going to get it. I am tired just thinking about it.

 Oh, I did finish David's scarf and my hat, as well as a hat for Adam. The scarf is in my projects photo album (link in the sidebar) on the last page. I don't have pics of the hats. Adam's is a basic stocking hat. Mine is a pixie hat from Knit Wit. I will get a pic taken eventually. It came out very cute and in good timing too. We just got a lot of wind and my hat covers my ears nicely.

Ok, I'm off to print a hat "pattern" for Robb. Not so much a pattern as VERY detailed directions on how to make it. I will put it in a package with some yarn and needles and a knitting dvd I got in a kit and he can get started. I feel bad that it is so late, but I can't help things getting crazy around here.

Posted by Brandy at 7:39 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, January 21, 2007 7:42 PM PST
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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Wow. I had more than enough time to finish the things I needed to finish. Suddenly, there are 13 days left and I am not even near as close to done as I feel I should be.

I have a hedgehog to finish. That should only take a couple more days.

I have stitch markers to finish. Almost done. Done no later than tomorrow, so that is good.

I have a birdhouse to embroider. Shouldn't take long, but it didn't want to cooperate when I started the embroidery. If it continues to be uncooperative, I may not have time. If that is the case, I will cut out what I have done and use fabric paint. I'd prefer the embroidery though.

I want to finish David's scarf, but it is looking more and more like I won't have it done by Christmas. I really want it done by then, but it may have to be for his birthday.

So, what am I doing at the computer? I have no idea. Heck, I even have a headache. The computer is not where I should be. Well, back to my projects.

Oh, I also started a hat for me. This year was supposed to be "me" projects. I haven't finished anything for myself since Feb. So, I started a hat on which I am having some issues with gauge and pattern. I want to work on it, but really shouldn't because I only have 13 days for everything else. *sigh* 

Posted by Brandy at 7:46 PM PST
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Tuesday, December 5, 2006
I just got a letter from my father. I know I mentioned a while back that my great-grandmother had died. Well, my grandfather inherited her ranch. He decided to give it all to his 4 kids. My father's share is 40 acres and he wants me to own it with him. This is 40 acres in Pagosa Springs Colorado. I am overwhelmed. This is wonderful and rather scary. I go from barely keeping up with rent on my small apartment and now I am being asked to pick up everything and go own a huge piece of beautiful ranch land in Colorado. I am a little concerned simply because my father isn't the most reliable person I've known, but it is such a great opportunity for me and my family. It is a much better place for a kid than Vegas is. . . And I could have sheep . I tried calling him to get details, but he wasn't there. I'll keep you updated as I know more.

Posted by Brandy at 1:14 PM PST
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Friday, November 10, 2006
Holy Crap!

I have had a rough morning. Then I took the color quiz that I took several months ago. It could not be more accurate!

 <! code-->
<table border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=3 bgcolor=white>
<tr><td><a href=""><img border=0 src="" width=120 height=32></a></td>
<td>Brandy took the free personality test!<p><i>"Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feel..."</i><p>
<a href=",4,3,6,0,7,1,5,5&picked2=1,5,7,2,0,6,4,3,0&sex=f&blog_name=Brandy">Click here</a> to read the rest of the results.</td></tr></table>
<!--End code-->


Well, that script obviously didn't work. I am leaving it there anyway. I don't know why. But here is the text that the link in it goes to:

Brandy's Existing Situation

    Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Brandy's Stress Sources

    Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.

Brandy's Restrained Characteristics

    Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Brandy's Desired Objective

    Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

Brandy's Actual Problem

    Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.

Brandy's Actual Problem #2

Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.


Posted by Brandy at 11:45 AM PST
Updated: Tuesday, December 5, 2006 1:16 PM PST
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Tuesday, November 7, 2006

There is a story to this, but I am not in the mood to be on the computer long enough for it, so that will have to wait. Here are my most accurate results out of 3 tries. I should have saved the other two as well. I intend to take this a couple more times to see what happens.

Introverted (I) 51.43% Extroverted (E) 48.57%
Intuitive (N) 66.67% Sensing (S) 33.33%
Feeling (F) 81.82% Thinking (T) 18.18%
Perceiving (P) 62.5% Judging (J) 37.5%

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.



Posted by Brandy at 4:10 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, November 7, 2006 4:15 PM PST
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Thursday, October 12, 2006
Knitters Rock!!

I got a craving for a chocolate I haven't had in ten years.  It is made in Canada and sold in Mexico and somehow skips the states. Well, I know KR has oodles of Canadian members, so I posted to see if I could find some. Now, I am going to be sent some of what I wanted (Jersey Milk), as well as a couple other sweets that my post got people talking about. 

This isn't the first time the knitters at KR have come through for me, not even close. They have been there for me through little crises (like the chocolate) as well as big ones (like marriage problems), not to mention all the knitting advice and supplies they have helped me with.

And they don't just help me, of course. These lovely people give so freely amongst the group, helping people all over the world in so many ways. They also give more to charities than most groups I've seen. They give knit items to a variety of charitable organizations, as well as donate money. I will try to compile a list of the favored charities, but there are many so I don't know when I will have it all up.

The point though is that knitters are by far collectively the best people I have had the pleasure to know and be a part of. 

Posted by Brandy at 9:19 PM PDT
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Thursday, September 28, 2006
For crying out loud . . .

This has been a very stressful week.

I have a neighbor girl who has some serious family issues. Here is my email to a couple people asking for help for her. Now, she asked me to ask them, so this was not me prying:

S. just came over. Things have gotten significantly worse for her. Her parents are throwing her out. She apparently took $20 and for that she is having to leave. She is convinced that she was a bad person for taking the money and that she deserves to be thrown out. She said to me, a few times, "I really need your help." She tried to convince me that it would be ok for her to stay here.
She hopes that I can help in some way. One she said was a little upsetting to me because it showed that she expected me to be part of it. She said "what are we going to do?" and she meant her and me, not her and bella or whatever. I told her I would ask around to see if I could find someone she could stay with temporarily, but I really can't think of anyone. I couldn't just tell her I wouldn't be able to help at all. That just seemed like kicking her when she is down, and that is something I just can't do. Now what? This is not a position I am happy being put into, but telling her off would be awful. I do want to be a friend, but I can't have this responsibility.
Can you think of anyone she can stay with? Any way she can get money (keeping in mind she doesn't even have a driving permit)? Anything at all?

Ok, so that gives an idea of one of my stresses.

Now, today, my computer went on the fritz again. I checked to see if the laptop would work. The history was up, so of course I couldn't help but see that the other night, when David decided to sleep on the couch for a bit 'cause he couldn't sleep, he was back to exactly what he knows gets me thouroughly upset. I can't take this. I am in bed worried, and he is enjoying his computer. I feel betrayed because he knows how much it upsets me. I'm angry. I'm thinking I may need a place to stay this weekend to cool off. Besides, he doesn't need me here. He has his computer.

Posted by Brandy at 8:02 PM PDT
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